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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Iām planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.