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never be afraid to wipe twice
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?