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I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...