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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!