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That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.