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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet