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I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.