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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
My mom says I`m special.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…