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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.