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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
Does this couch Iām laying on make me look unmotivated?
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.