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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.