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why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
When someone says “you’re the best,” just know that it’s not really true because I’m the best.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?