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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.