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Dear Graduates: Congratulations on making it through the easiest part of your life!
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.