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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I`d probably give up.