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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
Will be drunk until further notice.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.