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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it`s in.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?