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Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...