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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Being alive is so expensive.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.