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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
never be afraid to wipe twice
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?