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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.