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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”