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There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.