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Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?