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Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I grew up for this?
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.