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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
Walmart needs observation decks.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.