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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.