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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!