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I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.