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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.