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Jesus is coming.... look busy
someone took my mood ring away... dont know how i feel about it
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?