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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.