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The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.