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I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......