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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
My sleep number is 151 ... Bacardi 151
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops