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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
hilarious
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime