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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage