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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Every pizza is a personal pizza, if you try hard and believe in yourself.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally