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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"