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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.