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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Never trust a skinny chef
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.