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When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.