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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.