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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.