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You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.