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The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...