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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Relationship Status: eating
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"