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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
make little things count. teach midgets math.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing