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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?