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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.