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Which wine goes best with more wine?
Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.